commit-crimes.js

#!/usr/bin/env node
/**
 * commit-crimes — every repo hides crimes. expose yours.
 * Zero dependencies. Nothing leaves your machine. No AI, no API keys.
 */
'use strict';

const { execFileSync } = require('child_process');
const VERSION = '1.0.0';

/* ---------------------------------- args --------------------------------- */

const argv = process.argv.slice(2);
const has = (f) => argv.includes(f);
const optVal = (f) => {
  const i = argv.indexOf(f);
  return i !== -1 && argv[i + 1] ? argv[i + 1] : null;
};

if (has('-h') || has('--help')) {
  console.log(`
  commit-crimes v${VERSION} — every repo hides crimes. expose yours.

  Usage: run it inside any git repository
    npx commit-crimes [options]

  Options
    --last <n>     only judge the last n commits
    --author <s>   only judge commits whose author matches s
    --no-anim      skip the courtroom drama, print instantly
    --no-color     plain output
    -v, --version  print version
    -h, --help     this file, exhibit A
`);
  process.exit(0);
}
if (has('-v') || has('--version')) {
  console.log(VERSION);
  process.exit(0);
}

const ANIM = !has('--no-anim') && process.stdout.isTTY;
const COLOR =
  !has('--no-color') &&
  !process.env.NO_COLOR &&
  (process.stdout.isTTY || process.env.FORCE_COLOR);

/* --------------------------------- style --------------------------------- */

const paint = (code) => (s) => (COLOR ? `\x1b[${code}m${s}\x1b[0m` : String(s));
const red = paint('31;1');
const yellow = paint('33;1');
const green = paint('32;1');
const cyan = paint('36');
const gray = paint('90');
const bold = paint('1');
const dim = paint('2');
const invRed = paint('41;97;1');

const sleep = (ms) => (ANIM ? new Promise((r) => setTimeout(r, ms)) : Promise.resolve());

/* ---------------------------------- git ---------------------------------- */

function git(args) {
  return execFileSync('git', args, {
    encoding: 'utf8',
    maxBuffer: 1024 * 1024 * 128,
    stdio: ['ignore', 'pipe', 'ignore'],
  });
}

function loadCommits() {
  try {
    git(['rev-parse', '--is-inside-work-tree']);
  } catch {
    console.error(red('  ✖ Not a git repository.') + gray(' Your crimes are elsewhere.'));
    process.exit(1);
  }
  const logArgs = ['log', '--no-merges', '--pretty=format:%H%x1f%an%x1f%at%x1f%s%x1e'];
  const last = optVal('--last');
  if (last && /^\d+$/.test(last)) logArgs.splice(1, 0, `-${last}`);
  const author = optVal('--author');
  if (author) logArgs.push(`--author=${author}`);

  let raw = '';
  try {
    raw = git(logArgs);
  } catch {
    /* empty repo — handled by caller */
  }
  return raw
    .split('\x1e')
    .map((r) => r.trim())
    .filter(Boolean)
    .map((r) => {
      const [hash, an, at, subject = ''] = r.split('\x1f');
      return { hash, author: an, date: new Date(Number(at) * 1000), subject };
    });
}

/* --------------------------------- crimes -------------------------------- */

const RX = {
  fix: /(^|[^a-z])fix(es|ed|ing|up)?([^a-z]|$)/i,
  wip: /(^|[^a-z])wip([^a-z]|$)/i,
  lazy: /^(update[sd]?|changes?|stuff|misc|minor|edits?|tweaks?|more|cleanup|\.{1,3})$/i,
  scream: /^[^a-z]*$/,
  swear: /(^|[^a-z])(damn|hell|crap|wtf|ffs|sh[i1]t|f[u*]ck\w*)/i,
  desperate:
    /^(please work|it works?|finally|works now|why|no+|yes|help|test|testing|idk|whatever|ugh+)[.!?]*$/i,
  mash: /^[asdfghjkl;]{4,}$/i,
};

const CRIMES = [
  {
    id: 'fixer',
    title: 'The Serial Fixer',
    match: (c) => RX.fix.test(c.subject),
    quip: (n, t) => `${n} of ${t} commits claim to "fix" something. The bug remains at large.`,
    weight: 1,
  },
  {
    id: 'wip',
    title: 'Work-In-Progress Convict',
    match: (c) => RX.wip.test(c.subject),
    quip: (n) => `"wip" ×${n}. The progress was never finished. It never is.`,
    weight: 2,
  },
  {
    id: 'lazy',
    title: 'The Minimalist',
    match: (c) => RX.lazy.test(c.subject.trim()) || c.subject.trim().length <= 2,
    quip: (n) => `${n} commit messages written with the passion of a wet napkin.`,
    weight: 2,
  },
  {
    id: 'night',
    title: 'The Night Crawler',
    match: (c) => c.date.getHours() < 5,
    quip: (n) => `${n} commits between midnight and 5am. Sleep is for the merged.`,
    weight: 1,
  },
  {
    id: 'friday',
    title: 'The Friday Gambler',
    match: (c) => c.date.getDay() === 5 && c.date.getHours() >= 16,
    quip: (n) => `${n} late-Friday commits. Bold. Reckless. Someone's weekend paid for it.`,
    weight: 3,
  },
  {
    id: 'scream',
    title: 'The Screamer',
    match: (c) =>
      c.subject.length >= 5 &&
      /[A-Z].*[A-Z]/.test(c.subject) &&
      RX.scream.test(c.subject),
    quip: (n) => `${n} ALL-CAPS messages. WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.`,
    weight: 2,
  },
  {
    id: 'swear',
    title: 'The Potty Mouth',
    match: (c) => RX.swear.test(c.subject),
    quip: (n) => `${n} messages that need a swear jar. The jar is full.`,
    weight: 2,
  },
  {
    id: 'novelist',
    title: 'The Novelist',
    match: (c) => c.subject.length > 80,
    quip: (n) => `${n} subject lines over 80 chars. Save it for the memoir.`,
    weight: 1,
  },
  {
    id: 'desperate',
    title: 'The Desperado',
    match: (c) => RX.desperate.test(c.subject.trim()) || RX.mash.test(c.subject.trim()),
    quip: (n) => `${n} commits begging the compiler for mercy. It felt nothing.`,
    weight: 3,
  },
];

function findGroundhog(commits) {
  const seen = new Map();
  for (const c of commits) {
    const k = c.subject.trim().toLowerCase();
    if (!k) continue;
    seen.set(k, (seen.get(k) || 0) + 1);
  }
  let msg = null;
  let n = 0;
  for (const [k, v] of seen) {
    if (v > n) {
      n = v;
      msg = k;
    }
  }
  return n >= 3 ? { msg, n } : null;
}

/* --------------------------------- layout -------------------------------- */

const W = 60;
const stripAnsi = (s) => s.replace(/\x1b\[[0-9;]*m/g, '');
const boxTop = () => `╔${'═'.repeat(W)}╗`;
const boxMid = () => `╠${'═'.repeat(W)}╣`;
const boxBot = () => `╚${'═'.repeat(W)}╝`;
const row = (s = '') => {
  const pad = Math.max(0, W - 2 - stripAnsi(s).length);
  return `║ ${s}${' '.repeat(pad)} ║`;
};
const center = (s) => {
  const total = W - 2 - stripAnsi(s).length;
  const l = Math.max(0, Math.floor(total / 2));
  const r = Math.max(0, total - l);
  return `║ ${' '.repeat(l)}${s}${' '.repeat(r)} ║`;
};

function grade(ratio) {
  if (ratio === 0) return ['S', green, 'Suspiciously clean. We are watching you.'];
  if (ratio < 0.08) return ['A', green, 'A few misdemeanors. Probation granted.'];
  if (ratio < 0.2) return ['B', cyan, 'Petty crimes. The jury smirked.'];
  if (ratio < 0.38) return ['C', yellow, 'Habitual offender. Your keyboard testified against you.'];
  if (ratio < 0.6) return ['D', red, 'The evidence rack collapsed under the weight.'];
  return ['F', red, 'A career criminal. Museums will study this repo.'];
}

/* ---------------------------------- main ---------------------------------- */

(async function main() {
  const commits = loadCommits();
  if (commits.length === 0) {
    console.log(gray('\n  0 commits found. The perfect crime… is committing nothing at all.\n'));
    return;
  }

  let repoName = 'this repository';
  try {
    repoName = git(['rev-parse', '--show-toplevel']).trim().split(/[\\/]/).pop();
  } catch {}

  const byHash = new Map(commits.map((c) => [c.hash, c]));
  const authors = new Set(commits.map((c) => c.author));
  const days = Math.max(
    1,
    Math.round((commits[0].date - commits[commits.length - 1].date) / 864e5)
  );

  console.log('');
  console.log(bold(`  ⚖  COMMIT CRIMES — case file: ${cyan(repoName)}`));
  console.log(
    gray(
      `     ${commits.length} commits · ${authors.size} suspect${authors.size > 1 ? 's' : ''} · ${days} day${days > 1 ? 's' : ''} of activity`
    )
  );
  console.log(gray('     nothing leaves your machine. the shame stays local.\n'));
  await sleep(700);

  /* detect */
  const guiltySet = new Set();
  const verdicts = [];
  for (const crime of CRIMES) {
    const hits = commits.filter(crime.match);
    if (hits.length === 0) continue;
    hits.forEach((c) => guiltySet.add(c.hash));
    const worst = hits[Math.floor(Math.random() * hits.length)];
    verdicts.push({ crime, hits, worst });
  }
  const groundhog = findGroundhog(commits);

  if (verdicts.length === 0 && !groundhog) {
    console.log(green('  ✔ ACQUITTED. ') + 'Not a single charge sticks.');
    console.log(gray('    Frankly, nobody will believe you. Screenshot it anyway.\n'));
    return;
  }

  /* read the charges */
  verdicts.sort((a, b) => b.hits.length * b.crime.weight - a.hits.length * a.crime.weight);
  for (const v of verdicts) {
    const dashes = '─'.repeat(Math.max(1, 34 - v.crime.title.length));
    console.log(
      `  ${invRed(' GUILTY ')} ${bold(v.crime.title)} ${gray(dashes)} ${red(
        v.hits.length + ' count' + (v.hits.length > 1 ? 's' : '')
      )}`
    );
    console.log(
      gray(`     exhibit: ${JSON.stringify(v.worst.subject.slice(0, 46))} — ${v.worst.author}`)
    );
    console.log(dim(`     ${v.crime.quip(v.hits.length, commits.length)}`));
    console.log('');
    await sleep(650);
  }
  if (groundhog) {
    console.log(
      `  ${invRed(' GUILTY ')} ${bold('Groundhog Day')} ${gray('─'.repeat(21))} ${red(
        groundhog.n + ' counts'
      )}`
    );
    console.log(
      gray(
        `     exhibit: ${JSON.stringify(groundhog.msg.slice(0, 46))} — committed ${groundhog.n} separate times`
      )
    );
    console.log(dim('     Same message. Same hope. Same result.'));
    console.log('');
    await sleep(650);
  }

  /* verdict card */
  const crimeScore = verdicts.reduce((s, v) => s + v.hits.length * v.crime.weight, 0);
  const ratio = Math.min(1, crimeScore / (commits.length * 2));
  const [g, gColor, gLine] = grade(ratio);

  const byAuthor = new Map();
  for (const v of verdicts)
    for (const c of v.hits) byAuthor.set(c.author, (byAuthor.get(c.author) || 0) + 1);
  const prime = [...byAuthor.entries()].sort((a, b) => b[1] - a[1])[0];

  const byHour = new Array(24).fill(0);
  for (const h of guiltySet) {
    const c = byHash.get(h);
    if (c) byHour[c.date.getHours()]++;
  }
  const worstHour = byHour.indexOf(Math.max(...byHour));

  await sleep(400);
  console.log(gray('  the jury deliberates…'));
  await sleep(1100);

  const totalCharges = verdicts.length + (groundhog ? 1 : 0);
  console.log('');
  console.log('  ' + boxTop());
  console.log('  ' + center(bold('CRIMINAL RECORD')));
  console.log('  ' + center(gray(repoName)));
  console.log('  ' + boxMid());
  console.log('  ' + center(`GRADE: ${gColor(g)}`));
  console.log('  ' + center(dim(gLine)));
  console.log('  ' + boxMid());
  console.log('  ' + row(`charges         ${bold(String(totalCharges))}`));
  console.log('  ' + row(`guilty commits  ${bold(String(guiltySet.size))} of ${commits.length}`));
  if (prime && authors.size > 1)
    console.log('  ' + row(`prime suspect   ${bold(prime[0].slice(0, 30))} (${prime[1]} offenses)`));
  if (guiltySet.size > 0)
    console.log(
      '  ' + row(`crime hour      ${bold(String(worstHour).padStart(2, '0') + ':00')} — most offenses`)
    );
  console.log('  ' + boxMid());
  console.log('  ' + center(gray('expose a friend:  npx commit-crimes')));
  console.log('  ' + boxBot());
  console.log('');
})();